Put your hand around the Spiderman head

So there I was in the garage looking for Spiderman's head. It had popped off and flown upwards. Where had it landed? And who the heck made metallic Spidermans that came apart by design?

"A kid could swallow Peter Parker piece-by-piece! Piece-By-Piece," I mumbled to myself as I quickly checked the garage floor.

No dice. And that's OK because I wasn't looking for dice. No Spiderman head either. Which was more troubling than no dice.

I had already twisted and turned and looked in my car. You see I was sitting in my garage in my car with the door open, unpacking and arranging the figures I..

But let us go back to the beginning.

My kids had busted up their Batman figure, torn his leg clean off. This was an homage to last year's Batman story arc by DC comics where Batman had his leg ripped off by the large humanoids of.. . No? OK fine, it wasn't. Maybe that can be next year's story arc. They can use that, I'll offer it up here for free. DC, run with my story like a child with scissors chasing another child with a Heathcliff balloon. Off you go then.

Anyways I went to K-Mart (I couldn't find an S-Mart) to buy some simple superhero action figures for my kids to play with. It took a while. They like to make all the action figures frozen into precise physical arrangements as to limit play and the imagination. I didn't want to buy "Batman in golf pose with laser beam shooting golf club and Batarang golf ball" so my kids could only imagine stories where Batman was golfing against the Riddler or Spiderman was stuck in "leaping across a puddle pose" or Superman was frozen on the toilet in the classic "thinker" pose.

No I wanted simple action figures with movable arms and legs so my kids could make their own adventures up. Like how it was when I was a kid. I refuse to fall victim to the classic "You must buy 67 action figures so your kid can come up with an intelligent plot to his little playtime adventure" scam.

After navigating around a mom with a kid who demanded a "Spiderman in a helicopter that shoots webs" for his friends birthday party..

ok let me digress. Peter Parker does not have the money to buy a freakin' helicopter. He can barely pay the rent. What kind of a piss poor research team comes up with... grr... grr.. rant.. rave.. OK fine, destroy the whole premise of the character for your STUPID TOY! YOU MONEY GRUBBING BASTARDS!

Sorry. Blood pressure pills. With triple latte and jalapeño sauce.. mm.

I found a Batman and a Superman from one set, and a Robin from another set... and finally found a Spiderman from another set that said simply "Metallic Spiderman."

I get them home, and the dad instinct kicks in. I decide to pull into the garage and unwrap the toys there... and bring them inside without all the tiny accessories that fit so nicely up a kids nose. If the kid SEES it, you can no longer ditch it. You have to inspect and streamline the toys BEFORE the kid sees them. I open up the Batman and ditch the Batarang. I open up the Robin and ditch the backpack, the projectile shooter and the hooks (dang, don't mess with Robin, he's loaded for bear), and I pocket the Superman Kryptonite. which makes the Superman action figure feel a lot better. I mean really; how mean of them to encase him with Kryptonite! Spiderman gets his own HELICOPTER, while Superman gets encased with deadly poison. Talk about unfair toy handling practises. Let's have some standards people!

Anyhow I open up the Spiderman plastic bubble and "kapow," the head flicks up into the air and lands, I know not where. and the car door was open too. Could be in the car, or in the garage.

Turns out it's a Spiderman figure where every part is attached to every other part merely by magnets.

Great. So my kids could be sticking little Spiderman metal parts into every orifice. The toy should have had a "Danger! Spiderman Orifice-Stuffing Component Toy: not for use by anyone with any orifices" sticker on it.

I of course had to bring this toy to work. I paid for it! And we usually don't stuff things into every orifice here. Unless we want to. But at least we know what we're getting into.

So the problem is, it's a headless Spiderman toy. Which I guess looks kind of cool. But I wonder if I will ever find the head? I sure hope my kids don't find it first and scream in horror. Dad's been chopping the heads off of Spidermans! HORRORS! Call CPS!