Lunch Justice!

I've been festering in the corporate world since before this millennium began. I have no real complaints save the end of my childish all day lolly-gagging antics and the end of my once lean and active husk of meat-covered ligament-connected bones (with a pasty white skin wrapper) (Sporadic hair placement, and sweaty eye watering "musk" included at no additional charge) (See your nearest Jebby dealer for details on our lease-to-disown plan). These days I am lugging my inactive husk out to the gym, trying to slim down and have corn-kernel abs again. And maybe do something about my pathetic T-Rex arms. Here's a hint, if your four-year-old can beat you in arm wrestling, you might want to think about developing those arm muscles. In my case my TWO-year-old can beat me in arm wrestling.

Where was I going with this? Right. I remember.

At each place I have worked, they have a fridge for employees to store their lunches in. Sure, you can go out for lunch, get some fresh air, some social interaction, pump some money into the local economy. And by "local economy" I am not referring to the stage name of the stripper down at the Slippery Nipple whose g-string becomes packed with your disposable income. Her name is "Loco UCuddleMe."

At lunchtime some like to stay inside, festering, brooding . These people store their lunches in the company fridge.

Well on occasion there is a "lunch incident," involving someone's lunch getting stolen. Or, even worse, you take your sandwich out of your bag and discover it is partially eaten! I'm not making this up. Tis true! I've seen this happen time and time again.

Well at one place I worked; this was a common enough occurrence that we came up with a plan of attack. The "poison lunch plan."

The concept is simple, you put out a poison lunch for these criminals to take and then when they eat it, they suffer the consequences. It's Lunch Justice! In fact this blog was originally entitled Fly Sandwich but I'm now changing it to be Lunch Justice. That would make a great independent movie title. I think I'll go see if I can register the website.

Ideas for this poison lunch ranged from glass to ex-lax, secretly secreted into the sandwich. Wait can you secrete glass? Nestled? Planted? You know what I mean. Well I didn't want to hurt anyone, nor cause anyone to fill my company bathroom with fecal damage, so my idea was more along the lines of "make them sick." You know, they puke at their desk. If there is puke in the bathroom or kitchen or at a desk, it gets cleaned up quickly, while bathroom fecal damage tends to linger on and on, stinking beyond belief, punishing us all beyond all reasonable limits of our sanity, sitting there as a constant stinky reminder ..like for example the Bush Presidency. But I don't mean to put down feces like that, feces is a good kid. Also if someone pukes at their desk someone SEES it. Evidence!

My proposed brand of poison lunch was "the Fly Sandwich." A title I already gave away, and earlier demoted from being the title of this blog, thus sucking the drama of revealing it here right out of the blog. Stupid!

Anyways here is how you make it:

1. Two slices of bread
2. Peanut butter
3. Jam
4. a collection of dead flies
5. An apple of the variety of your choice

You put peanut butter on both pieces of bread. Then on one piece of bread you put jam, a medium thickness layer. Then on the other piece.. a layer of dead flies. Spiders, beetles, any insect that isn't poisonous will do. You carefully put the jam coated piece on top of the other piece and make sure no dead insects are peeking out. You put an apple along with the "fly sandwich" in a bag and put it in the fridge unlabeled. Don't agonize too much over the "make and model" of the apple. It's a decoy. No one who steals a lunch eats an apple, they never even take the apple. I think it's against the lunch-thief code. I've seen row after row of pilfered lunch bags, identifiable by the fact that each brown bag has but one lone apple rattling around in it. One solitary apple per bag, crying out in deliciously crisp freshly-washed-and-shined rage against the machinery of thievery. Have you ever heard an apple rattle? Think about that for a moment.

Back to the plan. You wait.

The beauty of this is, if someone ate your sandwich and became sick.. you reap the benefits of hearing about it. If someone ate the sandwich and didn't know.. you get to smile knowing someone ate a whole mess of dead bugs! And you can execute your scheme again! But if someone puked, your glory is done. Don't do it again or you'll trigger a fridge exploratory committee that will stake out the fridge from there on out, sending out emails and posting bulletins and who has time for all that distraction from your main task of surfing the internet?

Sadly, I never did put this plan into action. I ate out mostly, and when I didn't I brought in a cooler so I could keep my lunch locked in my desk. So I was never motivated enough to implement this plan.

Stay tuned for tips on making your own poison lunch in a special PS! But first, my signature.

-jebby


PS - a tip on making your poison lunch work is the strength of "the reveal." When will the thief realize what is really in that lunch? For me, I picture them tasting something odd or feeling an odd crunch and then taking the sandwich apart and looking.

"Hmm, that jam is kind of odd, it's got weird shaped fruits, they almost look.. like.. AHHH! BUGS! SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS I THINK I'M GOING TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT AND DIE, OH THE PAIN, I HAVE REAPED WHAT I HAVE SOWN!"

Then when they recover they think.. "was that jam just totally invaded by bugs? OR.. did someone put bugs in there!?!?!"

The beauty is in the mind-f*ck that accompanies the gut-f*ck. I think "Gut F*ck" would also make a great movie title. I better see if that website is available.

Hey do blogs get to have "PS" sections?